Steel Pieces: Drop the Armor, We are Not at War

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STEEL
Amy Taylor
I’m somewhere hidden behind the conflicting angles,
In the shadow of your heart.
Growing in the darkness, expanding
With the imposing light.
My truths dance around you,
Like words reverberating, trapped in the sewer
In steel pipes, a labyrinth
Under the hard, cement streets.
Often my words are suffocated,
Choked, leaving no room for discovery.
They are lost in the void,
The space you call your soul.
Something needs to be broken,
Your love is hardened steel.
I loathe those that tempered you,
Leaving you embedded within walls,
Unchanged, impenetrable.

 

Are we one in the same, stitched loosely from the same flowing fabric of life, love, and immortality?

Can we stand, then, out in the light, our true selves, battered and bruised and point like children, wide-eyed in curiosity and compassion, asking gently: “Where did you get that one?”  And then gently stating. “It’s ok,  I’ll kiss your boo boo and make it better”.

Somewhere along our road of pain, we’ve chosen to seal ourselves up in steel tombs, resembling, the dead, instead of floating on open channels of water, accepting we are all part of the same ocean.

Can we begin to tell our stories, out loud, like the true soldiers we are and peel off the hardened layers we thought protected us, but only lead to stagnation, alienation, and paralysis?

This is the place, my spirit longs to be.  Present day realities keep us imprisoned with our own fears and insecurities.

I recall the last Decade of my life, I refer to it as the “Decade of Darkness”.

I was desperately seeking connection in desolate places.  And in those spaces, I made my share of mistakes.  The longer I stayed in that space, the more intolerable it became.  I felt hopeless, suicidal, and ashamed.  I refused to leave a destructive relationship, I gambled often and lost a lot of money, and I became ineffective in helping my family with their addiction issues.  I became emotionally unstable, and easily enraged.  Self-loathing became a ritual and I was not always open to change.  This past year was a time of complete devastation, while at the same time the beginning of significant growth and love.  The juxtaposition of pain and growth has served as an endless backdrop of self exploration.  I’ve learned healing isn’t what I initially thought.  I see healing now as accepting what is and cultivating compassion, rather that trying to desperately “fix” people or situations that are not in my control to change.  

It’s easier said than done, but once aware a landscape of love opens up before you and opportunities abound in the domains of your life that are yours to mold and influence.  It has cleared my plate, and has provided the space to orchestrate my life without the constant distractions that are outside of my control.  

I wish you peace on this journey towards self love.  I feel that it is the access point to heal ourselves and each other.  Every broken piece must be picked up in love and forgiven.  And one’s ability to do so is exponentially increased when love is present within.  So, go ahead, love yourself.  If you can love and forgive someone who has hurt you, you can love and forgive yourself. May self compassion enfold you today and always.  It’s an imperfect journey and that we will continually expand and grow, loving ourselves and others more and more with the passing of time.  Let the light and love in!   

 

 

 

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Author: landundefined

I am in the process of healing after a decade where I lost myself to a narcissistic abusive relationship, my sister's addiction, and a mental health disorder that has rendered me currently unemployed. I am writing to help myself and others on the journey of forgiveness and love towards healing and wholeness.