Tag: Healing

Suicidal Ideation: What Keeps Me Alive

by landundefined, posted in Healing

(**Trigger Warning** Suicidal Ideation)

I have lost so much in my life that I have spent considerable time teetering on the edge of losing it all. Just one step further and I wouldn’t have to take any more steps, I reasoned. It would all be over and at least I would have some control as to how and when it occurred. The emotional and physical pain would cease, I would cease. And there would just be silence.

Losing people (both living and those who have passed) as well as my health, employment, and independence has left me feeling quite raw, and honestly, really, really small.

Access to providers in my area is extremely limited and I haven’t been able to successfully find anyone to provide medication management and therapy. Services are either unaffordable or have a long waitlist. Some agencies simply are not accepting patients as their practice is completely full. I intend to continue trying, and yet, this is the reality for many struggling right now. I acknowledge that I am not alone when it comes to the difficulty in accessing quality and affordable healthcare. It is what it is.

Despite years of struggle and loss, I am still here. Even with the immense grief of losing my family and, at times, even myself, I am still here, breathing and occupying space.

As much pain as I am often in, both physically and emotionally, I actually don’t want “to die”. I’ve spent a year or more drifting, distracting myself from the pain of having to fight to be heard, seen, and valued. I have temporarily laid down my sword and left the battlefield. I long to heal and “bounce back” and am in the trenches, still fighting, and digging myself out of the hole I fell into long ago. It is easy to take youth for granted, until it one days escapes you, leaving you a lot older. Suddenly, life is a bit more challenging and difficult. I thought I had more time, but time is a tricky “bitch” and like sand, it slips through one’s hand very quickly, often disappearing without a trace.

This past year I went on “autopilot”. Our family experienced two deaths: my mother and sister-in-law both passed within 8 months of one another. Life became very heavy suddenly. A lot of “light” left with them and they are both missed very much. In an instant, life as I knew it, had changed. Not having a more supportive and closer family to buffer the loss, I felt the waves of grief wash over me. It didn’t help that the deaths of my two loved ones were followed by a very stressful and draining, relentless barrage of attacks from certain family members. Although, the conflict was a distraction that buffered the initial shock, it denied me and others a peaceful bereavement experience. When certain people should have been honoring the life and legacy of a an individual who gave so selflessly, they instead were consumed and preoccupied with the inheritance that was not theirs to receive. This further complicated things and lead to increased anxiety and depression.

I had already been struggling over the past few years with the loss of my own family due to estrangement related to their addiction issues and thus, my grief became very weighted this past year.

I consoled myself with the only way I knew how: gambling. I sought out solace in the overstimulation of the slots machines, drowning out the noise of life with the images on the screen, living for the serotonin hit of a bonus or jackpot, if I were to get lucky. I didn’t want to think or feel anymore. The problem with gambling is that the money always ran out and there was never enough of it to sustain my insatiable appetite for escape and numbness. After awhile, gambling drained me, not only financially, but emotionally and physically, as well. It became a true metaphor of my empty existence, completely lacking in connection. It became a desperate act to feel something, and yet, as my luck ran out, so did the funds to perpetuate this silly and fruitless endeavor to “feel alive”.

For some of us who struggle with significant depression, there is a true need for stimulation and for the “feel good” chemicals to flood our brain and wake us up a bit, even if this experience is fleeting. Some turn to sex, others to drugs, etc.. In times of desperation, I have turned to the slot machines. A large win at the casino would often lift my mood for a few days. The problem is this “rush” is temporary and not sustainable. Who knew? Well, if not in denial, it’s pretty obvious that gambling isn’t going to “fix” any problems and it definitely can leave you less connected and more isolated then when you walked in and onto the casino floor. Still yet, the deafening hum of the machines allowed me to go on autopilot and disappear into the reels, spending hours (if I am lucky) blocking out the pain that is always brimming and bubbling at the surface.

I will pause right here and say: If anyone reading this has addiction issues, please seek help. There is absolutely no shame in talking to a counselor or going to rehab, etc.. So many of us are living with these struggles silently and that is when it can become deadly. Addiction is fueled by silence, dishonesty, and shame. Find someone to talk to as there is always someone out there who “gets it” and who will understand. I openly share my struggle because life is messy and complicated and in doing so, I feel it helps decrease shame which reduces the barrier of “seeking help”. I choose, in my current state of recovery, to cultivate forgiveness and self compassion, not shame or guilt. We are mere mortals. Imperfect, but beautiful. Let go of the “should have been” and regrets, refuse to compare your life with others, and accept “what is”. Start each day anew. Do not carry the weight of yesterday’s mistakes with you. The sun sets and rises for a reason. Sleep and wake up knowing that you get another chance, another day.

And so, I press on. There is something always inside of me saying “keep going”. I have no reason to believe that things will “get better”. I do not feel certain family relationships are “reconcilable”. My health overall is “fair”. I am aging and live with multiple health issues. It also will be difficult to bounce back in my career as I currently am living on disability. I never had children of my own, am divorced, and having a “family” of my own at this point would be beyond challenging. Three of my closest loved ones are no longer living. One of them, my best friend of over 25 years, died by suicide a few years ago. I have experienced immense loss and will continue to grieve. But does all of the above mean that I will stop living? No, I PRESS ON. And why is that?

Well, I press on primarily for the little things. I enjoy nature, especially a walk in a thick, lush forest with tall, looming fir trees. They are especially pretty in winter when the branches are heavy, covered in snow. I love windy days, particularly warm ones where you can feel the warmth on your cheeks, but be cooled by a gentle breeze. When I am able to travel, I enjoy the mystery of discovering a new place. The possibilities of discovery are endless as no one has the time to visit everywhere on earth. I love watching a documentary on nature and being completely baffled and delighted at all the different forms of life on Earth. I’m inspired by all the creatures, big and small, fighting to produce and survive. Life in all forms, is a story of survival. Every form of life is hardwired to survive, grow, gather/eat food, rest, mate, reproduce, and in a nutshell, “live”. I am doing the same.

It truly is the small things, like a cup of steaming tea or a piece of pie made from the berries I freshly picked earlier in the afternoon before dusk. It sometimes is just the feel of cozy, thick socks on my feet that makes me want to “stay” a little longer. There will always, ALWAYS, be something, even if it seems small and insignificant that can bring joy and pleasure. Discovering music is another endless endeavor that restores hope. Meditation and chanting can sometimes bring me back, not only to myself, but it grounds me to a place that is more primal and ancient.

Perhaps, all my loss occurred to strip me of enough preoccupation and distraction so that I would notice the small things over and over again. Reframing it in this way, immediately alleviates suffering and I feel like a child again. I am back on the schoolyard, playing hopscotch in the Florida sun on the bare pavement, and my best friend has stopped, leaned in, and has told me a “secret” about life that immediately fills me with giddy excitement. A valuable secret, that brings me back to a place of innocence and joy. I am back in the present moment, no longer sleeping, and I feel as though I have been granted the “gift of life” once again. The world, in this space, can seem a bit brighter and mysterious. I become curious, like a child again.

And so, for the little things, I press on. I am still here. I just have to remember in times of struggle to do the little things. It’s the where the “jackpot” of life truly is. Life is always complex and simple at the same time. When it gets difficult and hard, choose the simple comforts and pleasures in life to pull you back in… lean into life and go to that space that immediately brings comfort and safety. Unfortunately, there is no absence of hardship or pain in the world. It’s messy and, at times, it is hard. And yet, when we lean in to the little “secret” that it is the “small things” that matter, we can indulge in them more often, with intention, mindfully.

I just want anyone reading to know, if you struggled in this way you are not alone. Reach out, reach out, reach out. And take advantage over and over again of the things that awaken your senses and bring you joy.

Peace.

Self Care & Trauma: Doing The Things That Bring You Peace

by landundefined, posted in Healing
Photo by Valeria Ushakova on Pexels.com

I had an interesting therapy session recently. I’m not sure if it was the delivery of the message or if I was just more ready to receive it, but my viewpoint of “Self-Care” was transformed in this short space of time. The concept of “Self-Care” had suddenly become more defined, palpable, and even attainable. I had always approached taking care of myself as somewhat of a chore, as if these are the things that I need to do over time that might someday, in the far off distant future, have some elusive benefit. I saw self care as the mundane activities of life: like exercising, brushing my teeth/flossing, maintaining adequate sleep, etc. Many more times than not, I failed to practice self care consistently because the benefit wasn’t immediately available to me. Routines and consistency are difficult for me as I am wired a bit differently. I was diagnosed as ADHD in 1976, years ago, and have always struggled to maintain order in my life.

However, this time, what I heard, prompted me to pause and rethink the concept of Self Care. My therapist noticed that I am often “burning the candle at both ends”. I don’t give my system the space and time to be still and at rest. Yet, it was what he said next that transformed this concept further for me. He said in short, do what makes you feel good and relaxed. It was a simple message. One I had probably heard in variations a million times before, but this time, when it hit my ears, it registered and it stirred my imagination. It actually hit me rather deeply.

I knew instinctually that the reasons for being constantly keyed up and unable to relax was the result of the hardwired hyper-vigilance that resulted from years of trauma in my childhood. Although, I have completely forgiven the adults in my life and acknowledge that there was no real intention of doing harm in their behavior, I was still left with the task of healing from it. Letting go and relaxing initially has always felt scary and even dangerous. What if I let down my guard and something happens to me? As an adult, I realize these are irrational fears. They still come.

I have spent years “running” and essentially distracting myself from relaxing because it never felt safe to do so.

What immediately washes over me is sadness. Grief.

Relaxing and being still always initially brings up the loss of time that I spent avoiding the feeling that I wasn’t worthy enough to be protected from some of the things I endured growing up.

I was only a little girl and what I needed was to be held more, encouraged to express a wide arrange of emotions, and given the opportunity as a child to master difficult emotions with support. Instead, I was forbidden the expression of anger for fear of retaliation. I didn’t get the space to assert myself. Instead, my emotions were suppressed and turned inward. Speaking up and showing any defiance would have resulted in consequences that I was unwilling and too fearful to endure. And so, I remained hyper-vigilant and on guard, always trying to win love with my good behavior. Even so, there were times I said things wrong or sighed too loudly, which was misinterpreted as defiance. My older sister was the complete opposite of me and would rebel often, and thus, my parents became harder on me as an attempt to avoid a repeat the turbulence.

And so, when my therapist mentioned that I needed to slow down and exercise self care, it brought up a lot of emotions. But, what stirred me the most were his words: “do things that felt good to me”. He acknowledged my grief and pain and encouraged me to slow down, relax, and do the things that elicited feelings of well being. Examples he provided were meditation, taking a relaxing bath, singing, writing, etc.

I thought a lot about this simple advice. He had mentioned in doing these exercises of self care, your brain and body will be rewired to a calmer state and that will in time allow for more motivation for the “self care” that perhaps I considered more “chore related”.

I honestly never thought of self care as having an immediate benefit. I always felt I had to do things consistently and over time and then one day I might reap the rewards of doing so. Reframing this concept in this way has helped me to let go and relax a little more. My focus is now on doing the things that bring me joy, peace, and comfort. I am not seeing self care as a chore and as a result I am starting to feel more excited about practicing self care. This doesn’t mean that I should “leave out” the essentials of self care, like flossing/brushing teeth, bathing, exercise, adequate sleep. It instead places the focus of self care on the things that are immediately gratifying and feel good. Doing so actually makes me more motivated to do the others.

Sometimes, it is the simple concepts that become over-complicated in our minds. It’s so easy to become overwhelmed. Doing any activity that brings a sense of peace and stillness to the self is going to free up energy for the more laborious tasks that are sometimes put off.

Yes, for some of us who are hyper-vigilant and on guard due to past trauma, relaxing can seem scary and daunting at first. I feel it’s best to be realistic, go slow, and do what truly brings comfort and ease. This will allow the adrenal glands to recover and practicing self care in this way, over time, can make a huge difference.

I am actually excited about trying different things now and am a bit more hopeful. I feel it is all about connecting back to the self, acknowledging that I am safe now, and cultivating compassion and love for the self.

I hope this is helpful to someone struggling. It has helped me to shift a little bit and not be so overwhelmed. I am just taking it one step at a time. I know one day in the future I am going to feel a lot better. From this point forward, I will embrace self care as a way to reconnect and commune with myself and do the activities that bring me peace.

Love and light on your journey towards wholeness.

Amy

Reframing Loss: Cultivating My Own Garden

by landundefined, posted in Healing

I know loss. I know it intimately.

I know it’s heaviness. I know how it stings, like the bitter coldness in winter, wondering if you’ll ever feel warmth again.

I know how it drains you physically, lulling you into a deep slumber, leaving you numb, vacuous, empty.

I know the kind of loss that leaves you disillusioned, humbled, and meek.

No, I haven’t “inherited the earth”.

But, perhaps there is something in loss that frees you.

I am no longer distracted or preoccupied with the needless worry of pleasing someone or obtaining something. I am no longer clinging to hope or fortune. I no longer look to others to measure my success or lack there of.

I have acquired my own “space”. The endless space surrounding me that is all mine, with no disruptions, no demands, or “chatter”. There is silence and stillness in this space that I call mine.

My long laundry list of losses redefined me. As my world crumbled around me, I had no other choice but to let go and rebuild.

Like so many others who have experienced loss, I hung on for years, not wanting to leave the ruin and rubble that surrounded me. I desperately avoided the impact of the losses in my life by leaning on old coping mechanisms. This inevitably created more loss and ultimately left me both physically and mentally sick.

It rained. It poured. For years, I sought shelter in fragile spaces with others who were also desperately fleeing. We were running to and from each other, but never truly connecting. It was lonely.

I began to loathe myself and became more entrenched in endeavors that only served to alienate me further from myself and others.

I was hurting so bad that the desire to end the pain became greater than the desire to keep running away from it.

I decided it was time to sit with my pain, to feel it.

I processed a lot. In the space that was mine, I cultivated compassion for myself.

I outgrew my ineffective and old coping mechanisms.

Instead of finding ways to disconnect and distract myself, I found myself intentionally and purposely connecting to myself while sitting in the stillness. My desire to let go of what I could not control and become fully present in my own life began to grow.

And now, I only want peace. I want to feel more alive and connected in the moment.

I have very little as I lost so much: financial security, employment, relationships, health, etc.

And yet, the vulnerability I was left with has lead to personal growth, gratitude, and self love.

Years ago, I prayed for two things, humility and healing. I can honestly say that I got exactly what I prayed for.

In losing so much, I can clearly see what is mine to hold. I can look back and see what I released and “let go” of.

I honestly haven’t written in a long while. I’ve missed doing so, but my energy was being taken up by the consuming process of shedding my cocoon. I was releasing a lot and, and, at times, I was shrouded in darkness.

I am ready to reclaim my life, spread my wings, and take flight. I want to add color and light back into my life.

I accept all things that have made me whole. As hard as it was to lose so much for so long, I have gained invaluable life lessons and love.

Love and light everyone! I know for so many, these are difficult days. Please hang on through them. Cultivate your own garden and spend time lingering there to feel the warmth on your skin and breathe in the scent of honeysuckle. You alone are enough and you alone are love.

Peace.

Merely Mortal

by landundefined, posted in Healing
Photo by Flo Maderebner on Pexels.com

I am merely mortal.

I am a passing ship, floating on calm waters, slowly disappearing into the horizon. Perhaps, I’ve carried you a time or two, held your hand, smiled gently, filling the spaces inside of you that are often vacuous.

I am a mystery and riddle that remains eternally unsolved and the layers of cyclic history that is often left unresolved, left here to unravel over time, slowly.

I’m the life that has slipped into skin, endlessly discovering where I begin and end, using my senses to make sense of this space and sojourn.

I’d like to stay, but it was never designed that way.

I am merely mortal.

I’m nearly 49 and feel the sands of time, slipping, effortlessly, steadily, through the neck of the hourglass. It will pass.

It will pass.

I will as well.

I long to taste more, devouring earthly delights, more slowly than before, mindfully with intention. The produce, freshly picked and gently rinsed. My tastebuds awakened to exquisite meals, tasting the rich culture of each culinary endeavor, acknowledging the effort and care granted to each experience.

I would love to fall in love with people again, seeing others captured in a still life photograph, in great detail, picking up the subtleties that make us human. I would like to find my childhood innocence and view people and situations in earnest curiosity and wonderment.

I’d like to lose myself in laughter, titling my head back, twirling under the stars by moonlight. While other times I’d like to sit quietly, listening to the cicadas effortlessly sing their song.

I want to feel the humidity of the Southland engulfing me, beckoning me to take a swim at dusk in a nearby lake, accompanied by crackling campfire.

I’d would love to drive down long stretches of endless backroads at night with someone special by my side, windows rolled down, warm breeze, and blaring music.

And yet, I am merely mortal.

And time doesn’t stop.

I unfortunately fell asleep, as many of us do.

I became wrapped up in what I expected, instead of what actually is.

I don’t regret what I have learned.

I long to live more, and think less, let go, and release.

I am merely mortal.

This will all pass.

And so will I.

It is time to live with more intention and less fear, forgetting the layers that once entrapped and defined me.

I feel an edge of freedom and mystery within me.

I won’t limit myself anymore.

Endless discovery awaits.

I am merely mortal.

And when I fly away, free from my final day, I will do so in fullness.

Soaring endless skies, completely unattached, at one with all I have known.

I’ll slip out of my skin and perhaps I’ll begin again.

And thus, this beautiful cycle of life continues.

Dear Addiction, I Hate You: Part 2

by landundefined, posted in Healing

Dear Addiction, I Hate You: Part 2

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Dear Addiction,

You won.

I stand defeated.

I surrender to the disease that has taken so much from me and my family. Although I have not personally been affected by using a substance, your dominion and control over those I love has caused me immense pain, suffering, and grief.

I do, at times, question if it was you alone who caused this level of epic annihilation of family relationships and bonds. I now wonder if ASPD (anti-social personality disorder) also played a role in the ultimate deterioration of my loved ones’ health, causing some to be permanently disabled. This diagnosis has formed in my mouth, many times, as I became more disillusioned at the complete disregard for human life displayed, coupled with the unwillingness to seek help, even when at “rock bottom”.

I realize that manipulation and dishonesty are a part of your control and hold on someone. Their world becomes very small with you in their presence. Access to you consumes their daily thought processes, and you are prioritized above a child’s welfare, a safe home environment, and the health of all involved.

Your power and hold is so strong that you nearly killed my loved one. Yet, they still went crawling back to you. You’ve stripped away their dignity. I have felt completely bewildered by the orchestrated chaos during times of active use, and have been enraged at the willful denial of those unable or unwilling to step into full awareness of the devastation caused by this disease. I have struggled to accept the lies that continue to disempower the young adults who have been given so little and have lost so much as a result of their chaotic and neglectful upbringing.

The dysfunction caused by you, and possibly a personality disorder, has left me isolated and without a family. I no longer feel safe around those I love. I feel my sense of “home” has been stripped of me.

I am ready to let go now and no longer breathe any more oxygen into a space that only leaves me winded, exhausted, and in despair. I know it is time. There is a growing part of me that is excited to walk through the open door and enter into a world that I have built for myself. One that is peaceful and full of people who value me. One where the sand isn’t constantly shifting.

Addiction, you may have taken my family from me, but I am restoring my peace and creating stronger boundaries. You have helped me in ways, in your display of epic dysfunction, realize that I was and am not to blame for the lack of love and commitment denied to me. This loss had very little to do with me in the end. You have reigned supreme for decades, wreaking havoc in the lives of those I loved. I chose to believe that I was to blame. Shouldering the blame made me feel more in control, giving me the false impression that I could behave in ways that would help facilitate change.

I stand corrected. I lay down my sword and walk away from the war that has left me drained and exhausted. I now am fully aware that I can only change myself.

I hate you, addiction.

But, even more than that, I hate the unresolved shame and pain that enables one to use. It’s hard work to heal from the trauma of the past. So many self-soothe in a variety of ways that not only is harmful to themselves, but prevents them from the true intimacy they deserve.

Addiction, You are a tricky bastard, robbing people from the gem that exists within, a lie that alienates them from themselves and others.

Oh, how I have raged at you. I have lost my dignity in your uncontrolled fire. I have stood at the edge, as you engulfed my family in flames, helpless and embittered. I have lost myself trying to save them from your merciless and murderous ways. I have fought tirelessly, watching loved ones lose their freedom, their potential, and even, their minds. I have wept and winced in pain from the despair and desperation of watching those I love become no longer recognizable. They have become shells of their former selves.

Yes, you are a unrelenting and tortuous disease that continually steals the lives and joy of your victims…And you did so with my family. And it made me very sick… for many years.

But, you will not have a victory over my life. I surrender and admit defeat for this chapter. Two decades of being part of your circus is enough. I will miss the dream of having a closer family. Yet, I am ready to accept the reality of “what is” and protect the budding peace and contentment I am finding within myself as a result of practicing self compassion and forgiveness.

Addiction, you have claimed many lives. But, you will not claim mine. I am moving beyond your grasp.

I will always talk honestly about how incredibly sick this disease has made me over the years. I endured chronic pain, anxiety, depression, angry outbursts, suicidal ideation, an exacerbation of my mood disorder, nightmares, etc. I reactively abused those I loved. I became manipulative, at times, in desperation to be visible and get my own needs met. I lost my dignity and was ashamed of how I responded. I lost employment opportunities. My health greatly deteriorated. I was even diagnosed with PTSD. I SUFFERED, IMMENSELY.

Addiction, our relationship is over. I broke up with you in the past, but this time I am going “no contact”. I am redirecting all my time and energy that has been used up “spinning” with you, and investing it in myself.

I look forward to what the future holds. It might be a bit lonely at first, but it won’t be chaotic or devaluing. I won’t be raging or losing my dignity while screaming alone in the dark.

I hope my writing helps others who are struggling in similar ways to not feel so alone. Those in the family who do not use, also need care and support. Many times addiction can seem like an impossible situation. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you haven’t handled it perfectly. I honestly will tell you I have been a mess the past few years. I was consumed by it and was taking on a responsibility that was not mine. I now have realized the complete lack of control I have and am finally releasing the reign it had on my life. It’s a slow process. But, it is possible.

I choose to “hate” addiction, the disease, NOT the addict. My hope will always be that members of my family who are struggling, fully heal. I am trying to do the same.

I know I am getting there. I know how hard it is and how much time it takes. But, I will continue waling towards freedom and peace. And as a result, I will have more of it in my life. It will continue to grow exponentially, until one day, I will look back and the pain of the past will be a distant memory. The present moment will be full of joy, laughter, and connection to healthy people in my life and to peaceful experiences. Quality of life over quantity is my goal going forward. Peace to all. I’m going to keep walking forward!

Finding Freedom and Forgiveness

by landundefined, posted in Healing
Photo by Victoria Emerson on Pexels.com

Intuitively, yet somewhat stubbornly, I acknowledge that forgiveness is the final step in letting go. Begrudgingly, I go there, unwilling to embrace it just yet. I believe freedom is on the other side, however, grief has me paralyzed, a few feet away from the finish line.  

Intellectually, I acknowledge that what I feel that I have “lost”, I never truly had. What I am missing, was never mine to begin with, and I’ve been alone all this time. I’ve stood in this space for far too long, it’s what I’ve grown accustomed to, and yet, I’m determined to “let go”. I am shedding the layers of disillusionment, that has kept me entangled in the darkness for so long. I’m seeing more of myself and the definition of my soul is taking shape. 

I fought for so long and I demanded so much because I did not want to leave you, nor the hope of reconciliation. I knew it was getting closer to the end, because it has become harder to hang on than to just “let go”. Staying would mean losing more of myself and for what? There is no one standing on the other side, reaching out in compromise to “meet me”. 

The difficulty, for me, has been deciding when and how to “sever ties”. I feel torn between cutting ties completely OR providing greater distance, exercising more discipline and restraint when connecting with those who are causing me pain. I’ve tried letting go and I do so for a few weeks to a month only to find myself returning, not completely willing or ready yet to say “goodbye”. This is the space, I feel, that is most agonizing. Looking ahead, I see a clear path with those I love not beside me. There is freedom, but in this first step, I am choking back the tears. There is immense grief in finally laying down the sword, admitting defeat, and acknowledging that the people you have spent so much time “spinning” over, do not “see” you. 

I do feel that this battle was never going to be “won”, but surrendering is a victory of self renewal, love, and discovery. 

The decision to “go back” and fight, alone, will only lead to greater heartache and loss. 

My voice is becoming stronger and I am becoming more resolute towards forging ahead. A part of me knows that it is time to forgive and “let go”. 

I might still remain in limited contact with my Mother as I do feel she genuinely loves me. And yet, she has been unwilling to seek help in ways that I feel would demonstrate a true willingness to see the patterns in her behavior that are causing pain for both of us. I will work to forgive all of my family as I do feel it will release me from the pain of remaining engaged. And, I will continue swimming towards separateness, knowing that one day I will find freedom from the trauma that has kept me in captivity for so long. 

Today is a new day. Every moment is pregnant with possibility. It is time to separate and invest my time and energy into the projects and people that bring me peace and contentment. This choice will be presented to me over and over again. When I choose to return and get “stuck”, I won’t berate myself as I am learning that doing so only serves to distract me from becoming “unstuck”. I will instead bring my self awareness to why I am returning, honor my grief, and sit in the stillness embracing the feelings I often wish to fight. I will allow myself the space to “break” and cry or get angry. I will then cultivate compassion for myself and I will choose to do differently. Over time, old habits will be replaced with new ones and the feelings generated from these new habits will usher in self awareness and compassion.

I feel it is time to forgive. This doesn’t mean I will allow certain people that have harmed me back into my life. It means I will no longer allow them to occupy the space in my head and heart that keeps me spinning. I will work to acknowledge that these individuals are also hurting in their own ways. I will do my best to honor their struggle by allowing them the space to heal and not getting entangled in their hurt. I will “Let go and Let Be”. 

The space I am freeing up will allow me to step more fully into my life and into the present moment. No longer being tied to or even aware of the ongoing drama that is occurring, will free my being  from the constant worry and concern of things that are outside of my control.

Today, I lay down the sword.

I sit in the stillness and embrace any emotions of grief that will surely come, letting them pass and wash over me. I will not cling to these thoughts or ride these emotions, abandoning the wisdom that lies in the present moment. I will bring my full attention to the present, engaging with what IS instead of longing for what will never be.

And it will be OK. And in time, it will be better than ok. And this is the long circuitous road of healing, I will keep returning to the present moment.

The birds are chirping outside, my wind is open, and I feel a light, cool breeze. There is newness and life around me always. Today, in this moment, I will choose my peace.  

Unapologetically ME

by landundefined, posted in Healing

I am ready to walk away from the wreckage that has suffocated and trapped me, like a caged songbird, unable to sing and soar, for so long.

I’m tired of being unhappy and devalued. Living in the shadows of a sociopath that has so much power and influence, my voice has often been muted. My actions are continually misunderstood and I’ve endured years of scapegoating, gaslighting, and character smearing. All because some are unwilling to acknowledge the truth and want to continue living in denial and dysfunction. I grow weary of defending what I know to be true and am often alienated because I confront behavior that I know to be reckless and dangerous, even. Admittedly, I’ve sometimes lost my dignity standing up for those who are truly vulnerable in the family system. Nothing feels worse, to me, than watching people you love who are drowning and having members of your family block you from being able to help them. The helplessness I have felt lead to my own hardening and rage.

Today is a new day. I forgive those who have hurt me and my loved ones and I release any hold they ever had on me. I forgive myself for begging for their love, attention, and time; living in an undignified position for so long.

Healing is not a linear process and I will not be surprised if I continue to slip every now and again. But, I do feel there has been change and growth. My ability to recognize and confront gaslighting when it occurs so that it doesn’t keep me “spinning”, has greatly improved. I also am beginning to “rage” less and express my anger more appropriately. For someone who was not allowed to express anger growing up, these steps are progress for me. As a child, and even well into my adult years, I feared expressing anger and repressed it. I felt and believed that “bucking the system” and expressing anger would place my life at risk. And so, I was denied the expression of it. When I finally began to use my voice, I often raged. There were times I even “blacked out” briefly when raging, not knowing how I got from point A to point B. I hold a lot of anger which is often sadness under the surface. I have an immense amount of grieving to do for what I’ve lost in this lifetime. But, for now…. one day at a time, right? And, I am experiencing many more moments of joy now that I have released some of the pain that I was carrying for so long.

I do have many regrets. I wish I had departed years earlier. I wish I had not tried so hard. I wish I had not moved my life, losing money and resources, to try and support relationships and help loved ones who did not value me. I regret the times I lashed out in anger, but more so regret the effort and energy I expended trying to help those struggling that went unnoticed and unappreciated. It’s not that I needed that much from them, but I sacrificed a lot for so little. And ultimately, all I truly wanted was connection in the end.

There are things I do not regret saying or doing.

I will never regret the times I stood up for the vulnerable children and the disabled adults living in the home. I won’t regret the lessons I’ve learned. I’ve learned to value and love myself and have gained a greater appreciation for my capacity to love and to forgive.

I will never regret confronting the dishonesty, gaslighting, emotional abuse, discarding, and stonewalling that I endured. I realize now that I stayed too long and continued to “rage”. I even grew embittered and jaded for awhile. At times, I admit that I became abusive myself. I do not excuse or justify my own mistakes or abuse. I take full accountability for them and wish I would have done better. I was learning how to let go while still holding on and fighting for those I loved. I knew I was losing the fight as nothing changed in the end. I know it got messy and even ugly, at times. I wish I could have just let people go without raging. Still, I do not regret the times I was able to retain my dignity and stand up for myself.

I am still not the greatest at getting my needs met in relationships. I have always gravitated towards those that use me or who are unhealthy. I can see now looking back how sick I was and that much of how I coped was ineffective. That being said, so many of my relationships have been hopeless. I was drawn to those unwilling to connect and I can see this more than likely developed from a lifetime of always longing, but never being satiated, full, or feeling safe when it came to intimacy and connection. I spent my entire life desiring visibility and connection, only to continue demanding it from those who were unwilling to provide it in the way I needed. There were always excuses and justifications as to why connection wasn’t realized. Often, I was blamed for wanting too much. This caused a lot of self loathing, anxiety, and insecurity. It took time for me to believe that I actually wasn’t getting my needs met and it wasn’t my fault. I was not asking for too much, nor was I ever “too much”. It took years of analyzing the behavior of my loved ones to garner the proof I needed to finally understand that those around me were truly struggling and sick in their own way. I spent years trying to convince them to get help to no avail.

The most difficult lesson in all of this was realizing that I had to let go of the dream of ever having a family that was close-knit. I don’t feel a part of my family. They don’t know who I am anymore and they often deny my pain and struggle related to the dysfunction, neglect, and abuse. It has become too hard for our two very different perceptions of the past and present to sit in the same space. I have tried for too many years and I am exhausted, sad, and even in chronic pain from the continual conflict and grief. I know what I have to do and I am taking the steps to do it.

I honestly think I am at the apex of acceptance. I can see looking back that I was unwilling to fully accept the reality that I wasn’t going to have what I wanted in this lifetime.

I wanted a close-knit family.

Because, I was unable to have children, I wanted to be a part of my sister’s grandchildren’s lives.

I wanted my nieces and nephews to heal from their upbringing and be healthy.

I wanted my marriage to work out. When it didn’t, I wanted my second significant relationship to work out.

I wanted to completely recover from the mental health struggles I live with, and instead, I now have additional diagnoses and am living on disability.

I wanted to date again and find true love. I simply want to love someone and be loved in return.

I wanted to have success in my career. I became to sick a few years ago and had to get onto disability so that I could take the time to recover as well as have a continuity of care. I am still struggling to get all my medical needs met (particularly with the pandemic).

I wanted to have a home one day and financial stability. This looks unlikely, but who knows?

And so, some of the above may not ever be realized. I am determined to start small.

Forgive myself. Forgive others.

Live in the present.

Enjoy what simple pleasures the day offers.

Stretch and sing more.

Do more of what makes me happy and joyful.

Set realistic goals and celebrate achieving them.

I am no longer in a race against others, nor will I compare myself to their successes or struggles.

I am me. I am ok. I am enough. And, most importantly, I am healing.

It is hard work. It is a process. And, the journey along the way is more precious and profound than any destination point a long the way.

I’ll be posting from time to time these moments of JOY. That is what I want my focus to be on in the end.

I accept what I have lost, but will do my best to no longer dwell on it, losing more precious time.

The following are pics from a little trip I took to Boulder City, NV and Hoover Dam. This area, along with a few others, are places I am considering moving to in time. Life is taking another turn. This time, I want my eyes to be wide open and my heart less heavy!

Thanks for reading!

Our Time: Enjoying the Incredible Space we Share Together

by landundefined, posted in Healing

With the use Storyblocks.com for video clips and music, I have adapted an earlier post of mine to include a short video, using my voice as the narrator. Original post was written on May 26, 2019 and is copied below. I hope you enjoy!

This is Our time: Fast, Fleeting, and magnificent

This is our time. It will be fast and fleeting, yet magical and magnificent. We will always be moving about, passing by one another, while we occupy the greater space that holds us here with gravity. We were thrust here and pushed into the brightness, piercing the new air with the cry of a new born baby. Soon after, the process of imprinting began as the multiple layers of “our time” carved out an identity, giving our form meaning and definition. Unable to escape “our time”, we have moved through it, often embracing it as we stumble through life with discovery and delight.

This is our time. In this time of technology, information is shared instantly and in exponential quantities. Unlike in the past, we have a greater ability to connect with one another, and yet, this saturation and quality of connection is often times eroding relationships, leaving us feeling alienated and alone. Many of us living right now remember life without the use of a computer or cell phone. We reminisce of a life that was not digitized. Polaroid cameras, rotary phones, typewriters, 8 tracks, etc. are all things of the past, but still are very much alive in our collective memory. If were to take a snapshot of those living right now, some still with us can remember a time when they would gather around the radio in the evening for entertainment. Others will share they have never known life without the existence of a smart phone. In this same beautiful space, we have a young child singing “baby shark” while sitting on the lap of her great Grandfather who fought in WWII. And in this slice of life, we have a time that we can call “our own”. You and I are here, together, muddling through this thing called life.

In this time that is ours, we are alive and active, making history while altering the planet as we know it. Some of us will live quiet lives that may seem to go unnoticed. Others of us may influence our communities and impact the lives of those around us. And still yet, there will be the trailblazers whose existence shapes the zeitgeist of “our time”. Even so, as sure as our world turns and the sun rises and sets, it is “our time” to be alive, to breathe, to learn, and to love. And there is no other time for us, but right now, which is pregnant with possibility.

This is truly our time. As we dwell together under the starry skies, we’ll indulge in what the planet has to offer us in the way of natural wonders, culinary endeavors, and cultural practices. Many of us will venture outside of our comfort zones to explore lands that are foreign to us. In our limited time here together, we might sometimes take for granted the extensive and affordable ways in which we can travel. Some of us will travel extensively for work and/or pleasure and our appreciation for diversity among landscapes, culture, and people will grow, leading to a very rich life no matter our monetary worth.

During this time together on earth, we’ll experience heartache and disappointment. We will all start at different places with different experiences as well as different abilities and strengths. We may get swept up in activities or with people that take us away from ourselves, becoming lost. Some who lose their way will resurface after a steady climb into awareness, self forgiveness, and self love. There will be birthdays, marriages, births, and deaths. And during these times we will know joy, elation, contentment, pain, and possibly even suffering. We will, at times, feel alone and overwhelmed. We may fear death and getting older. And yet, in this time that we are here together, there will be times that we feel truly alive. In this space, when you and I are sharing the same air and earth, it will be our energy and endeavors that define “our time”. I’d like to think that in my lifetime people will turn towards one another with acknowledgement that we, “humanity”, are nothing short of amazing, possessing the potential to connect in endless ways. I believe this is already occurring in less organized ways on various social media sites, but feel we are really just now embarking on this journey of increased awareness and connection.

The desire of humanity to connect is what is fueling so much of the development of technology. Interestingly enough, it has opened up a window for many to have a glimpse of the world, exposing people to different cultures and ideas. This can only bring us closer, providing people with the knowledge to break barriers and facilitate not only tolerance, but concern and caring. This level of exposure to one another and to other cultures around our world is defining us. It may be the perfect tool in time to harness the collective energy to care for our planet and the creatures that inhabit it.

This is OUR TIME! It’s going to go fast, I’m afraid. I’m nearly 47 and I’ll soon be sliding into my fifties like a baseball players slides into home base. I’ve been living it hard, making mistakes, and often becoming distracted. I feel like I’ve turned around once and here I am, older, with some back problems and less energetic than I used to be. I’ve lost loved ones, fallen in love a few times and have went through the painful process of letting go. I’ve turned inward, at times, in depression and tried to ignore the brutality of the world, sheltering myself from a few storms in my life. But, I’m still here, along with you and so many others and this is it!!

We have absolutely no choice in how we entered the world and we will not have a choice in how we leave it. Some do take their own lives, but it is my belief that to do so is part of an illness, not a choice. So, while we are here breathing, living, and loving, take time to feel the amazing energy and pulse that is US! It truly is OUR TIME and I hope one day before it is the end, I see you in passing, strolling about, tilting your head back in laughter, at your friend beside you. Maybe you are in that group posing in front of some national monument, trying to get the perfect selfie. Or could that be you, a child jumping in the waves with delight? Or the older couple, holding hands on a park bench? I believe it is all of us. We are more alike than different, and it is OUR TIME. I hope you are enjoying it!

HAMLET

What piece of work is a man, how noble in reason,
how infinite in faculties, in form and moving,
how express and admirable in action, how like an angel in apprehension,
how like a god!

~William Shakespeare

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The Political Divide and How it is Impacting My Mental Health

by landundefined, posted in Healing
Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

This past year has been truly difficult for me. Election years in America seem nearly intolerable anymore, with hate and division sewn on both sides that have often left me feeling hopeless and “small”. Many times I feel as though people are talking over one another, belittling others, and even engaging in bullying behavior. Admittedly, I have, at times, engaged in these fruitless pursuits. But, many more times than not, I end up deleting my post or comments entirely, especially if it gains traction. It just doesn’t seem to be worth the energy to argue as I often wind up feeling defeated and even downright depressed.

This last year has been particularly hard for me. The rhetoric, tension, and dysfunction displayed on social media, parallels the narcissistic abuse I have been disengaging from in my own life. As many others, my leisure options have been somewhat limited due to the restrictions placed on our city to mitigate the spread of the coronavirus. Boredom sets in and I become restless, seeking stimulation on-line. The division and animosity felt on both sides leads me to retreating again and again, with a greater commitment each time to not “engage” anymore. But, I would be amiss to not share some of the observations I’ve made and what I’ve learned by disengaging.

Ultimately, and even oddly, this year has mirrored so much of what is occurring in my own personal life. I was diagnosed a few years ago with PTSD and this year has triggered my trauma while at the same time, providing the space and time to address it. The year 2020 has seemingly pushed me to my breaking point and forced me to deal with some of the harder emotions I had tried in the past to “stuff” and ignore. It’s been more challenging to distract myself when I’ve spent more time alone than ever before. As challenging as it has been for me to maintain stability in my mental health, I feel I’ve grown immensely during this time and have actually relied even more so on different and new ways to cope.

Here are some of the ways the political division and the coronavirus pandemic have impacted my mental health and the ways in which I am coping.

  • Becoming more aware of how stress is impacting my physical and emotional health. This year has allowed me to practice the skill of being more mindful and present. As a result of many businesses being shuttered, and having “less on my plate”, I have been able to slow down a bit and take notice of how stress is impacting my body. Being on social media with others during a time of less distraction, has allowed me to understand how unresolved conflict and the outward expression of it, causes an exacerbation of my symptoms of depression and anxiety. I began making the connection between the unhealthy relationships in my life and the impact they were having on my health. This has taught me to disengage more, not just on-line, but also with those in my life who are unhealthy for me.
  • Acknowledging when to disengage and practice self care. This last year has been difficult to witness. I can remember watching the first presidential debate and cringing. I couldn’t bring myself to actually “look” at the TV. The constant interruptions and “talking over one another” put me on edge and I found myself staring at the floor, almost feeling like I was the one being berated and criticized. I had to turn off the TV after a few minutes, because it was actually unsettling, and even triggering, to me in the end. Watching the debates kinda reminded me of the calm before the storm in my own life. The times I allowed too much from others, then later found myself swept up in emotion, raging. The constant on-line bickering also felt like a personal assault to me. I realized how toxic the on-line environment was and became more aware of certain negative patterns in my own life. This lead me to the process of disengaging and spending more time practicing self-care. This has allowed me to more quickly recognize my triggers and disengage earlier.
  • Acknowledging when relationships are truly hopeless, letting go, and redirecting my time and energy to worthwhile pursuits. The political divide, I feel, has mirrored, in ways, my own personal struggled with those in my life who often are not interested in compromise, yet still hold some level of power or influence in the lives of those I love. As a person who lives on disability insurance, I do not hold a lot of power in society, and voices like mine can often easily be muted or “drowned out”. The limited scope of power, both in my personal life and politically, has taught me to set stronger boundaries in order to protect and preserve my energy so that I can make a difference where I realistically can. Setting boundaries with myself and others and engaging in self-care, and not feeling guilty for doing so, has been a lesson I have learned during this time. Certain relationships are hopeless. Much like the futile attempts on-line to change someone’s political opinion, I have learned to just “let go” instead.

Election years are tough anymore. And this past one, coupled with a global pandemic, provided the space, time, and conflict to usher in a few “life lessons”. Even though it has been tough, I am grateful for what I have learned. I spent more time getting to know myself and was able to grow emotionally and spiritually during a time of turmoil. Life can be difficult and even painful, at times. With 2020 behind me, I feel like I have a few more tools in my toolbox as far as knowing how to disengage, set better boundaries for myself, and invest in endeavors that provide personal growth and contentment.

What lessons did 2020 teach you? Did you find yourself able to make some changes in your life that helped you, big or small? I definitely feel the the past year was a turning point. I’ve turned more towards myself and this has helped me to manage and cope with the symptoms of my PTSD. Here’s to hoping this year brings even more light and and self-love to everyone’s journey of healing!

A Sibling’s Open Letter to the Deadly Disease of Addiction

by landundefined, posted in Healing
Storyblocks.com

The last few years have been particularly difficult for me. I’ve had to disengage from my family due to their struggle with severe and persistent addiction. My sister and all of her adult children have struggled for more than a decade with substance abuse issues, causing severely strained relationships, disability, and even the recent loss of custody of my two great nephews. 

I wrote the letter below to help me process the pain of essentially losing my family to the very serious and deadly disease of addiction. Two of my family members are now disabled with severe and persistent mental illness due to their use of methamphetamines. None of my nieces and nephews are employed, nor did any of them receive their high school diplomas. My mother and I are no longer in communication because her denial and enabling over the years has fractured our relationship. I’ve had to disengage and take a break so that I can heal and begin to recover from the loss. 

Addiction truly is a family disease and it affects everyone in the family. I have found Nar-Anon to be a valuable resource for support and information for family members struggling to cope and heal with the presence of addiction in the family. Nar-Anon, adapted from Narcotics Anonymous, is a worldwide group whose members are family and friends who are concerned about a loved one’s struggle with substance abuse. Here is their website: https://www.nar-anon.org.   

Here is my letter to this deadly disease.

Dear Addiction, 

I hate you. 

I hate what you have done to those I love. You’ve taken their lives and ruthlessly thrown them into the fire, watching them burn, with indifference. You truly are the living embodiment of hell on earth.

Addiction, I hate you.

I loathe the day you waltzed in promising my sister that you would make things so much better for her. Rolling out the red carpet, giving her the royal treatment, and romancing her so she would get hooked. All the lies you fed her, knowing that when it was all said and done, another soul would be stolen and another victim, left, scrambling, sweating, sick on the floor, begging for more. All the times you gave her and others the false impression that they could easily let go of you, when and if they desired, knowing that your physical dependence would imprison & enslave them.

Addiction, I hate you.  

I hate the power you hold over those I love, and what they gave up when you finally secured a place in their soul. They gave up their identity and called themselves “addicts”, enslaving themselves to a lifetime of using and shame. You don’t deserve those victimized by you. You’re not only taking lives, you’re robbing millions of their potential and peace. Their waking hours are spent fixated on you, and how to remain in your “good graces”.  Some will steal, lie, and destroy relationships to maintain your presence in their lives.

Addiction, I hate you.  

I hate what you do to families, ripping them apart. I hate that your destruction causes bewilderment and confusion, leaving people uncertain whether to confront or enable. Often, children, affected by your disease, will defend you and may even grow up somewhat complacent and numb to the chaos you have created. You sit back waiting, chomping at the bits to claim another victim. Children, raised in an environment where you reign, are particularly vulnerable. 

Addiction, I hate you.

You tell your victim lies, entrapping them in shame and self-loathing, many times causing them to discard their loved ones who confront their drug use. You mock those who are to trying to keep your victims safe. Those screaming in the distance are muted by the noise you cause, that continually deafens and disorients your victim. 

Addiction, I hate you.  

I hate you for destroying my family bonds. As the flames grew higher, and the devastation reached epic proportions, some of us screamed louder, while others have enabled more and shrunk back in denial. I’ve screamed so much that my voice has become hoarse, hitting a brick wall, reverberating around this dark chamber that has become all too familiar. I’ve been sent to the dungeon, cold and alone, by the loved ones who you have claimed as your victims. Nothing penetrates the walls you’ve built, keeping the victim in a vicious cycle, enslaving them, encouraging them to justify their actions that serve you, and you alone. You’ll have your victim admit that they are powerless, but your allure will entice them to forever stand close to the fire. The fire is never entirely extinguished.  I have become disillusioned and have danced around the flames, sometimes raging, and other times desperately trying to reach you. And you discard me once again.  

Addiction, I hate you. 

Through the years of my experience knowing you, I have doubted my own reality. I have looked through the eyes of the victim and no longer know if it is you or my sister that I am staring at and this devastates me. Her adult kids have now all been touched by your fire and are struggling as we speak.

Addiction, I hate you.  

If one ever tries to cut ties with you, you hold on like a bitch with nails, clinging, taking the life out of them. You torture them with beatings and lashings, as they hurl you from their body, clinging to the toilet, and sinking on the floor, sweating. “I’ll teach you never to leave me!” You snarl and spit in their face, sometimes hijacking their minds with hallucinations and delusional thinking.  

No, it’s hell to leave you.  

You do not want to relinquish your control.

Addiction, I hate you.  

And when the dust settles, there is stillness. And then, there is the dealing with the aftermath while the cravings for you are forever present, occupying a permanent space in the victim’s mind.    

Addiction, I hate you.  

And, if all of this is not enough, your victims wear the label of “addict”, having to rebuild, often ashamed and remorseful. There are some who have been sitting at your table for so long they have lost themselves. Your presence can cause changes to the brain that may lower empathy and create cognitive issues. I am perpetually oscillating between the extremes of trying to help and becoming angry and aggressively confronting . I am seen as harsh and cruel, when really I am sad and scared. I have become an indirect victim, my moods and perceptions often altered by this deadly, intoxicating dance. 

Addiction, I hate you.  

Because of you, I am letting go of my family. Not just my sister, and her family, but my mother as well. It’s getting too hard to keep trying, only to be devalued and discarded. The pain has become too intolerable for my mother. She compensates with enabling and denial which only serves to further isolate me, while those I love become increasingly more sick. I sometimes lose my dignity in anger and rage, saying things I know will only cause me more shame and sadness. I begin to wonder and fear if some victims ever reach full recovery from you. 

And, then, I hate on you some more. 

Addiction, I hate you. 

Your reign in my life is over. I have truly tried to save my sister and her kids from your very ugly, abusive ways, but it is up to them to ride this dangerous storm out and do what is necessary to seek help and change. I will remain hopeful that they one day they have the strength and perseverance to eradicate you from every inch of their lives. You have absolutely no place in mine. I will be more healthier in the end, letting go, healing, and remaining available, when and if any are ready to heal.

Goodbye, addiction.  

I’ve learned that those who leave you, must be the one to cut ties. No one can do it for them. I hope to one day stand on the other side of you, with my family, free from the pain and suffering you’ve created.

Addiction, I hate you.
Our story is complete.