I am centering. I have found this to be a difficult process where I often backtrack or retrace my steps. The center is where I long to be, basking in light and warmth, finally floating and free. Oh! How my soul fills with excitement when thinking of finally reaching this space. Perhaps, I will be able to dwell in it for long periods of time. I long to just feel ok: safe, relaxed, loved. I did not realize when I started this journey how much I would have to “let go” to feel weightless, free from the shackles that have kept me caged in despair and fear.
I’ve loathed myself over the past decades. Through broken and abusive relationships, I have suffered and felt lost, abandoned, and ashamed. I was rejected, abused, neglected, and left over and over. I became callous and defensive, perpetually caught in the web of other people’s assumptions and ideas. I spent hours oscillating between two realities, the one I defended as mine, and the one that was defined by the reactions of others when I angrily confronted their mindless and abusive behaviors. I became abusive, at times, as a result of staying engaged too long, unwilling to concede and let go. I stayed and fought alone and often with myself. I rarely stopped to think that these people I had invested so much time and energy in did not care about me. And in many cases, these people did not even care about themselves. This recent revelation ironically is freeing me.
I was hooked into their struggles and pain, trying to save them from their addictions. No one listened and the relationship became more and more strained. My assessment was “on point” and sadly their struggle continues to rage on and I am gagged and bound by the addiction and mental health issues that have trapped them. I saw it coming, I sounded the alarms, and then stared wide-eyed in disillusionment and fear as the storm ripped apart my family, leaving it destroyed. The storm touched everyone involved and pushed me far away, watching helpless. Everything inside of me says the worst is yet to come, but I will hope for a miracle. I was so hurt that I too caused some of the destruction that has wound up lying in pieces, scattered on the ground. And yet, the storm was so brutal it has left the people I love disconnected from themselves, forgetting their past, unable to truly participate in the present moment. They are still stuck on survival mode with little room to reflect on much else.
I feel remorse for the angry words I said. I have a way of cutting to the core when I am angry. Yet, I have every reason to be enraged, hurt, and disappointed. And quite frankly, two decades of trying in various ways to push for reform with no resolution has left me embittered and empty. I have learned during these times that I did not truly have a family that cared to know and love me. My mother remained supportive, yet even our relationship was nearly extinguished from the high flames and temperature burning it all down to ashes. It is smoldering, but it is ruined. Ugh.
There is a new voice inside of me. It’s telling me that it’s ok. I became too invested and too involved by trying to help and got dragged in by the undertow despite my valiant efforts. It has been traumatic for me. If I had the chemicals in my system blunting my reality and emotions, perhaps I would not be so raw and exposed. My voice tells me that they do care, but its buried deep beneath layers and layers of what trapped them in the first place. I wince in remorse for words shaming their behaviors because I don’t feel they are that insightful. Perhaps they too are scared and sad underneath the rubble that they are buried underneath, suffocating with no escape. I hate myself for beating them down when they already are so low. I’m angry at them for botching the rescue efforts. Still yet, they would say they didn’t need rescued and deny the destruction. Everything is splintered, confusing and chaotic. There is nothing to be said or done as trust has been lost. They will carry on through the rubble and smoke, never fully leaving the scene in order to ensure their safety. If this sounds confusing and crazy, it is.
And you see how I so easily can get, “off center”. The voice inside tells me that although they are all still fighting alone and among themselves, they really don’t care to know me. It hurts, but it does not devastate me anymore. I think of the hurtful things I have said in anger and compare them to what has been said and done to me and no longer judge myself so harshly. This has been really hard. I don’t want to hate myself anymore and I don’t want to hate them either. I see clearly the benefits of forgiveness.
There is a beautiful, warm light in the center of it all where I can float freely and I must find this space. Everything inside of me tells me now that it exists and that it truly is ok that they do not care. I feel for once in my entire life that I might just stop fighting. I might truly float. All the noise that I absorbed that told me I was bad, unworthy, crazy, mean, etc. was misinterpreted by me. I was fighting so hard for people to love me because I had not yet learned to love myself. I was demanding that people respect me and value me, because I did not feel worthy. The light in the center of my soul wasn’t going to let go of this idea that I deserved people in my life that loved me.
And so, I stayed way too long demanding love from people who also did not love themselves. And now, more clearly than ever I understand the words: “hurt people, hurt people”. I truly cannot put into words the madness of screaming into the emptiness over and over again trying desperately to get my needs met and being unable to move. I did not see at the time that I was learning to love myself. I wanted love from my family and my abusive ex Narc and I was insistent upon getting it. I stood out in the pouring rain for months nearly dying to get it. You will love me, dammit, I ranted and raved. My world crashed around me and I became physically and mentally sick and was unable to work as a result. I was suicidal and enraged. Still the rain fell, steady as strong. The storm wasn’t going to pass until I decided to love myself.
I still have a lot of work to do on “this thing called love”. It’s really hard stuff. I am not sure why it isn’t easy. I feel all the years of crap being piled on higher and higher that tells you that you are unlovable and unworthy traps you. My self esteem needed an overhaul and my mind needed to be cleared from the loads of crap planted there. I guess I had no idea how much I hated myself and how much other people’s opinion of me influenced my self concept. I guess I needed to scream enough in conflicts to others to convince myself that I was worthy. I cringe at hurting people, however, but my nastiness and cruelty comes from a pure place of wanting to be visible, valued, and heard. Now that I know this and feel it, I think perhaps a lot of my anger will subside. I can let go of those people who do not care, because I care. I care about myself.
Maybe this is simple for some people and even silly. But, some of us miss these basic things because we have troubled and traumatic beginnings and we didn’t learn it along the way. Some of us are just sensitive and more affected by the constant chatter we receive in life from criticism. I’m happy to be on this little journey. And, I do feel the light and warmth is coming. A place you can sit in for a time to be loved, rejuvenated, and protected. I was running anywhere, but there. It is inside of you…. this light. I’m so happy I finally found myself, a bright light light in the universe. We are all stars!!
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