I really do not want to remain silent anymore. I’m exhausted from being scapegoated in my family. It’s nauseating to sit and watch the level of denial and complacency that takes place. And no one in my family wants to take accountability for their extremely abusive actions, instead continually laying blame on me for defending myself. I feel defeated by the wolves that encircle me, salivating, dripping of lies and deceit. It’s ridiculously dysfunctional and I was hopeful that someone would be able to see through the dense fog of devastation and despair. No one has thus far and it has left me isolated and alone.
And, still yet, I am brazenly strong and capable, aware enough to see the patterns and sound alarms, that ironically land on deaf ears. The destruction is inevitable as the pack of wolves hang together, making it impossible to eradicate the predatory mindset that enables their survival. It is better to retreat than fight. And, this has been my tactic as of late. Still, it is hard when I check in from time to time to learn that they are still up to their old games.
I have to remind myself to walk away from their addictions and their continual neglect. I have to remember how much I have given of myself in time, money, and advice only to have abusive insults hurled at me when I no longer stroked their voracious egos. I must remember that these individuals, even if family members, are incapable of being accountable and are not a bit remorseful for hurting me. It’s sad, but these people only care about themselves. Why would they care about a person who is confronting their lifestyle when they don’t even care enough about their children to ensure they graduate from high school? Why in heavens name would I feel they would care about me, when they have a young baby and are not immediately getting a GED to ensure that they can provide for their child? These are people who have committed crimes and have gone back to drugs repeatedly, even after experiencing a drug-related death of a three year old and one of them nearly dying of needle use. So, I’m not sure why I have even allowed myself to have any expectations of people who have zero standards for themselves. I do have standards and that is what troubles them. And I had standards for their lives, because I believed that they could do better. I still do. And I consider that a compliment, not an insult.
In any case, I will walk away instead of engaging with the wolves again. I have learned my lesson. I truly am exhausted from trying. I lost my family due to addiction and the dysfunction resulting from years of them using. I’m sad about that and would have rather had a family that actually cared more about maintaining a relationship with their sister and aunt than doing drugs and defending their lifestyle. But, the reality is the one sister I have and the only children I have in my life of blood relation are all extremely strained due to good ‘ole Meth, Pain Pills, and other drugs. They all have demonstrated over and over to me that drugs are so much more important than our relationship. This has gone on now for nearly two decades. So, I am letting go. And, I will heal.
I am so much stronger than this and my life will be joyful as a result of letting go. I’m just going to be me and I am going to spend my time and energy on people who actually can give back. I’m sorry that wasn’t my own family as I would have enjoyed spending sober, quality time with my family over the past few years. It wasn’t meant to be, I guess. I’m nearly 46 and I am ready to spend time with people who show up for the holidays and call me on my birthday and actually do not lie continually to me or play games. I admit I have been imperfect in dealing with the grief of losing them. I haven’t been nice at times and I have often lost my own dignity in the end.
It’s been heartbreaking and enraging at the same time, and still yet, it has gifted me the greatest life lesson of learning to love myself. I’ve had to let go of expectations and embrace “what is”, forgiving myself first and then forgiving them. This painful process playing out center stage in my life while being largely ignored and forgotten by the ones I love has left me devastated and in despair. Through years of trying, I have realized I am only a brief annoyance and an afterthought in their lives which are fraught with the daily dramas they perpetually entertain. It’s these trivial endeavors, often surrounded by drug use, that captivate and demand their time and attention, stunt their growth, and prevent them from connecting in the present moment with those who actually long to laugh and converse with their sober and authentic selves, wanting no more than their precious time and presence.
I’ve been guilty of being consumed and preoccupied with trying to awaken them to the prospect of getting help and healing. I’ve become enmeshed in their dramas, desperately trying to help free them from the addiction that consumes their time and has defined their lifestyle. I should have let go long ago as hanging on hurt everyone involved. And yet, I’m the one in the family who stands alone with too much distance, both physically and spiritually, to hang on and connect. I’m the one getting therapy, getting help, and healing. The only one. It’s difficult, but I feel it is worth it.
It hurts too much. I’m tired of trying only to end up alone, empty, without my family. I don’t feel they have been fair to me in this lifetime. The longer I held on, often through arguing, I realized anger was the only energy left that was fueling any attachment that had somehow survived the ruins. I knew it truly was over. I had fought a war and had lost, but at least it was finally over.
And so I say: Farewell to the wolves! I’m leaving the pack! Howl at the moon all you like, I prefer the sunshine sometimes too!