This Thing in the Mirror
In the mirror,
It’s me.
My reflection.
That I see.
Is that really me?
Is that really me?
I see vulnerability.
I see hope.
All my thoughts,
Come from this thing.
This thing,
Staring back at me.
I smile,
Knowingly.
I smile, sweetly,
At the reflection,
Staring back at me.
It scares me.
In the mirror,
That thing,
Smiling back at me.
Is it beauty?
Is it sin?
Staring intensely,
I know not where to begin.
So I stare,
Until I scare,
This thing,
That is me.
Staring so sullenly,
Back at me.
Yes, I have actually stood at a mirror long enough to scare myself. I’ve always found it odd to occupy a physical being for years, only to eventually be forced to leave it. I have so many questions for why we live and why we die. Science only explains the process that can be objectively described. I’m interested in why we exist and why in the form of a physical being? I must say, however, that the physical body is a marvel of mind blowing functions, each system intrically and masterfully created that miraculously functions for years. Collectively, our systems work together with many built-in overrides to maintain homeostasis. It’s pretty incredible! But seriously, why is there pain and suffering? And why do we find ourselves engaged in such mindless pursuits much of the time? I have many hypotheses. Many times if I am laughing wildly it is because of the absurdity of it all. I sure hope one day I get an answer! LOL.
Played and Caged
Ragged, Ripped,
Enraged.
Trapped, Cooped,
Caged.
Kicked, Sucked,
Dried.
Deceived, played,
Lied.
Taken, Killed,
Carried.
Lost, Forgiven,
Buried.
Well! I went there on that one! I’m sure we have all felt this way at one time or another in our lives. It’s a bit extreme, but was written during a time when I felt betrayed by a friend and was more than likely pretty depressed abut it. For some of us, we are unlucky and experience a string of bad experiences with people or employers and it can be devastating. Often, these times can challenge us to examine our own lives. For me, it was that I needed to develop better boundaries. I am still working on doing so!
The Endless Cycle
Streaming
Soaked
Shattered
Scattered
And I can’t pick it up
Flat
Floored
Fooled
Fat
Frustrated
And I can’t fix it
So, Throw it up
Rip it up
Throw it against the wall
Tie it up
And beat it
Send it outside into the cold
Laugh at it
Lie to it
Leave it
Lonely
Lost
Eat it
Surrender
Smile
Accept it
Grin and bear it
And live
Cycle
I wrote this many moons ago about the perpetual cycle of mood swings I experience in relation to my Bipolar I illness and my inability to ever have complete control over them. It’s enraging, at times, to suffer and not be able to truly articulate to others how it feels to have your emotions and perceptions hijacked abruptly with absolutely no warning! I feel wrangled in and drug around while bystanders call out orders for me to do better. It’s a hell I wish on no one and it is challenging, to say the least, to put into words so that people can “get it”. I feel kinda like Dorothy in Oz, except the disorienting experience happens almost every month or so and there is no place called “home” that I can click my heels to and feel at peace again. Perhaps the answer has been within me the entire time, but if so I have been searching like mad, unable to find it. Life can be a disorienting cycle for someone who suffers from a persistent and severe mental illness and I’m infinitely amazed sometimes at how much I have accomplished despite the disease that limits me. I will keep struggling forward and find the answer, or perhaps I will sit back and “accept” it all and stop fighting to find one. Maybe the answer is letting go with a smile.
