You weren’t the highlight of my visit this time.
There was something more powerful, pushing me there.
I was exhausted from a stressful week at work,
I honestly did not know if I had it in me.
I was pushed despite the pain, the anxiety, the fear, the exhaustion.
Still, I came.
Still, I showed up.
On the way down, I felt carried.
Carried by love.
I forgave you and was completely filled.
I surrendered, relinquishing control.
I saw that I owned nothing.
I saw that everything was a gift.
I rejoiced in this realization.
And then you met me, joyful.
We spend hours and collided, skimming the surface,
Never going in too deep.
Maybe I saw something in your face,
But I was too far away and I knew the reality of tomorrow.
At one point, I took a bath.
The sunlight came streaming in, warming my back.
There is nothing I love more that bathing in natural light.
I listened to the whistle on the train as it approached,
I faded into the hum of the steel on the tracks,
Wishing I were a passenger in the past traveling somewhere.
My thoughts drifted.
I came back, scrubbing my legs, my back, and listening to the water
Fall from the washcloth as I rinsed the soap from my skin.
Most of the day with you I spent in pain,
Tired and exhausted from the life I am living.
And then we parted. We said our goodbyes.
And, in the past, I would have completely crumbled.
In the past you would have been the only object of focus in my lens.
But this time, you weren’t.
God granted me a glimpse into love.
Love where nothing is owned or controlled.
Love where there is one source.
Every tiny delight, every source of pleasure & joy,
Comes from this one source.
My body, my possessions, my food, my thoughts, my ideas,
All emanate from this grounding force of love.
I can’t tell you why I made it through this or that when so many times I felt I could not.
I only now know now that it was because of love.
And as much physical pain as I was in on this journey, I finally surrendered.
And so, this is my focus.
To surrender and let love expand, washing over the broken pieces of my life.
And like shells, washed upon the shore, they are part of a majestic composition,
Possessing value and beauty.
All those small, insignificant moments, when I thought I was alone,
I was weaving a story of love and slowly surrendering
To the collective potential we possess.
I am learning from you.
You were learning from me.
The yearning we feel is ours to fill,
With the love inside us that drives us to keep going,
Searching for the agates and sea glass the is thrown upon the ocean shores.
And like the tides, having their lows and highs,
I’m accepting all of myself in compassion and care.
Love is embracing all of you, and still marveling at the ocean.
And so, I’ve learned that love isn’t a perfect story of bliss and passion. I left the “love of my life” because we were only hurting one another and it had become harder to “hold on” than it was to “let go”. I was losing my dignity in that I had accepted too much and I no longer liked the person I became in anger and rage. In the end, I realized the person I was most fighting with was myself. I was angry for not having left earlier. Looking back, I feel my lover was suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and was incapable of truly connecting with me. I still love him, but I’ve learned to love myself enough to walk away and go “No Contact”. I’m spending my days rebuilding my life and I love myself enough to forgive the past where I was a student to my grief and pain. The last decade of my life where I experienced narcissistic abuse, has given me the greatest gift of all: self love. All of those arguments and times I was desperate to make Him mine, was actually my desperate attempts to connect to and love myself. I’m infinitely proud of myself for letting go and embracing myself. Sometimes, we don’t realize the person we most miss is ourselves. I’m romancing myself for the time being and experiencing the “Greatest Love of All”.