Strolling About the Port

 

I am accepting the reality that my family bonds have forever been compromised by my sister’s addiction and the aftermath that followed it.  My mother’s enabling and the lack of remorse and accountability my sister expresses, has left me painfully aware of the vast distance between us.  I accept the distance may not be able to be made up in this lifetime.

Because I am single with no family of my own, this loss has been more significant for me.  I have no children and very few friends.  I acknowledge that I should have spent more time in my life building a stronger social network of friends.  I spent a decade involved with a Narc and was isolated and consumed with the chaos emanating from an abusive relationship.  I finally got the courage to leave my Narc and moved home to have the support from my family, but was devastated when the environment turned hostile. My niece at the time was very sick with addiction, had committed several crimes, and recently used a needle.  I was desperate to get her into a rehab, but was dismayed when I was not joined by my mother and sister in aggressively intervening to attempt getting her into rehab.  I ended up moving back to the NW because my holiday was ruined as it has been so many times before, and I did not want to live so close to a family that devalued me.  At least living so far away, I could tell myself that the reason I did not see family was due to distance, not lack of love.

Since I have been back to the Northwest, I became aware that arguing was a way of holding on to them.  It was all I had left.  It is has been extremely hard to not connect to my nieces and nephews.  Yet, they do not value me, nor do they ever seek a connection with me.  This is even after 2 of them have visited and one we helped through a crisis, the other rode back with me across the country when I moved home.  Even so, with attempts to communicate, one of them hasn’t contacted me in nearly 2 years. How does one deal with that level of disregard from a family member?  It has hurt me, and yet I am beginning to reach peace with this loss through accepting the reality that they are unaware and struggling.

And so, I am gradually spending less time arguing and being angry and more time investing in my own endeavors and health.  It has been hard to “let go”, but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel.  So much of what we really need and long for can be found within ourselves.  I honestly feel there is a wealth of love and joy within us collectively and when I am unable to get what I need from someone, I need to be open to the possibilities of either meeting those needs myself or accepting it from someone willing and able to give.  The source of love is abundant, we often are just insistent on getting it from the person in which we desire it.  This keeps us caught in a web while the world continues rotating.

I’m stepping off the boat that was sinking and am strolling about the port in some foreign  seaside city.  There is a lot to discover here and what I see and do will be depend on my willingness to explore.  I’m hopeful and excited I have made this choice, because I could have remained in that turbulent sea, in a leaking boat, with hardly any supplies.  I’m going to stay here for a time, sit on the dock of the bay, and build anticipation towards the time, I again, set sail.  This is healing.