For so long I avoided you, gave you the silent treatment, ran the other way. I wouldn’t let you stay.
I thought the layers of pain caused by abandonment, betrayal, invalidation, and neglect would be intolerable to acknowledge.
I sit with you now, pouring a hot cup of tea, my eyes brimming with tears as I watch the steam dissipating and I take a heavy sigh.
All the years of not knowing how to let go, constantly running, desperate to find safety, shelter, and security in the arms of another or some other noble endeavor. The more I pursued, the further I became lost, hopeless, desperate, and suffering.
Always feeling that something outside of myself would come and rescue me. Always searching for the validation needed to feel visible, loved, wanted.
And only getting farther away.
I’d like to sit down and have a chat with you. I know, I should have done so long ago. I was confused and uncomfortable. I was restless and bored. I was alone.
So, it’s time to say goodbye to certain people, patterns, and preoccupations. It hurts. But, you are here with me. You know my every hurt, my every pain… and together we are here in this space. You won’t leave. For you are a part of me. A part I’ve ignored, neglected for a long while. Even so, you are still here. I AM HERE. And I am ready.
And so I have a journey to take. In time, there will no desperate arguments with family. Arguing has been the way that I have been “holding on”. It is time to let go. I won’t remain engaged with people who do not wish to truly know me or nurture my spirit. I will not provide those who are unable to love and give to me a space to occupy in my life, my mind, or my spirit.
There is so much to forgive, to let go, and to accept. I could have spent my whole life invested in the pursuit of finding someone to love me and I would have missed this glorious opportunity to truly love myself.
You are a wise friend. A teacher. Allowing me to connect to what has harmed me, and to let go and breathe newness and life into what has dimmed my authenticity. By connecting, and feeling, I will be more in tune with my self and my needs, setting better boundaries.
I am listening, loving, and letting go.