I have started this blog as a way of healing. In the past decade, my life became increasingly chaotic and frustrating, much like tangled yarn that even with hours of attempting to disentangle, appeared hopeless and muddled. Through the torment of an abusive relationship with a narcissist, the loss and strain of family bonds due to my sister’s addiction, and the fight and failure to remain employed due to my mental illness, I became despondent and in despair. All of this caused a physical struggle of chronic pain, anxiety, and multiple somatic concerns that I still struggle with today.
The events in my adult life which have rendered me unemployed due to an exacerbation of my illness, Bipolar 1, ADHD, and PTSD, have left me completely unraveled and dependent upon others for the current time for survival. There is nothing more humbling that losing your ability to maintain employment due to an illness. The loss of independence is crushing, and yet, I’m still hopeful on most days I will bounce back, and this time, it will be after having the space and time to heal and to learn skills that will support my health and success.
It has been messy. I’m standing in the thick of it all with eyes mostly open. I’m accepting my responsibility to play the cards that have been dealt, no matter how difficult or challenging. I am also aware now that I’m alone in holding the cards. There will be some that judge every raise, every fold, and every discard. And there will be times I will make a mistake, but I’ve learned that often mistakes are necessary to be more skillful with the next hand dealt. Even so, this game is filled with times of suspense, boredom, joy, and despair. I’ve learned we need them all.
Initially, I felt compelled to separate the issues of my life and write a blog related to each one. But, I’ve decided the interplay between the three is necessary to demonstrate how often times we live a complex life with many competing forces and it is the combination of all of our struggles that can render us immobilized, often overwhelmed with fear, grief, and anger. As I heal, I am beginning to see a thread tying all of my struggles together and I hope to speak to this force as a means to forgive, grieve, soothe, and ultimately love. The road is difficult and so much pulls us away over and over from the reservoir of love and stillness that resides within us if we are able to let go and focus on what we are willing to control.
I named my blog “land undefined” because life, for me, is a process of definition. Just as a sculptor starts with a lump of clay, it takes time, dedication, skill, focus, and even love to mold something with no true definition to a piece of art that has to ability to resonate with others and elicit emotions of love, admiration, and joy. This is the challenge in our own lives. We are forever defining ourselves, placing boundaries to keep us safe, and molding what we desire for ourselves, our lives, which is a work of art. Our spirits are housed in a temple that again, we have the ability with focus, love, and work to define over and over throughout the course our lives.
Throughout this journey, I will go back to the challenges that have helped to create and form my impression of the world, and the healing that is taking place to redefine my spirit and life after the lesson. Often we forget that we are not in a static world, and that we are meant to adapt, and change with time. Our transformation can only be as dramatic and beautiful as our willingness to let go and be molded once again. I will keep coming back to this concept to demonstrate in my own life how stagnation and despair occurred when I would not heed the urgent call to let go and change! This is paramount to my healing process and I am continually working to achieve this.
I hope you someday join me on my road of forgiveness and self love. It has taken me decades to wake up and to acknowledge the many mistakes I made that led me further away from myself and to a place of rage, despair, and deep regret. The only real gift we have is the present moment and we often spend our lives escaping it in some form. Thanks for standing in this space with me. More to come as I am all unraveled and learning and am hopeful that sharing will help others and me stand more lovingly in this space!